There was an error in this gadget

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

"Giving the Academy a Raincheck"

Well here I am, back with my first post of the summer.  Sorry for the delay.  The rare posts you've seen have been from my iPhone which gets annoying, so finally I have a macbook!!!   Yay!  I have an air so it really is super light.


Well...tomorrow is the start of something new for me.  Traveling without my family, to the city of lights!  That's right!  Tomorrow I jump on a plane with all my choir buddies (especially LIZZIE AND FLOSSIE!!!) and head to Paris.  Freakin Paris!  As in France!  

Sorry...If you can't tell I'm kinda excited.  So now as I sit here waiting for tomorrow, listening to...dubstep, waiting for my hair to re-dye the turquoise, and waiting on dinner :0), I thought I would share a few updates.


Anyway, onto more serious subjects.  So my school kinda...died.  That is to say the high school part died.  Granted, it was small and not so unexpected but it has been a hard change to cope with.  I know for sure that last year was the best year of my life.  This year was, frankly, pretty crumby in some parts.  What I know I am grateful for is the friends who have stuck around through all my drama.  I have a lot more of you than I give credit to.  So many of the blessings in my life have been flowers, beautiful, but fleeting.  But I am truly hoping you all will turn out to be my life's long lasting diamonds.


There has been a lot I've had to say goodbye to lately.  Just the culture of having the GCA specific group to hang out with is gone.  I'm half grateful.  Half.  Naw make that 1/4 grateful.


Goodbye to the chances I had to make a new friend.  Goodbye to redeeming some reputation for not being, as a very dear friend has pointed out, a "victim."  Unfortunately I seem to have that mentality stuck in my head.  Goodbye to hoping this person would finally open up to me, this person wouldn't be angry with me, this friendship would grow stronger, and this friend would always get to hang out.  Well I guess goodbyes are just a part of life.


It has been painful to hide this all inside.  I have tried to talk to some friends and family but eventually I just sound like I'm whining.  The hard part was convinving my family to agree to online classed instead of a public or another private school.  I had to be all excited to prove I could handle something when in reality I'm not excited at all.  I am filled with dead at every passing day of summer.  But the other options were what I dreaded more.  I had this mentality of running away from the settings and people that hurt me.


Two years ago, I was invisible except with a few close friends.  I was the girl who was only comfortable following, literally, behind someone.  I was the "nerd" or the "sheltered homeschooler."  And more than any of that, I was judgmental.  Probably more so than I was judged.  That year hurt me a lot.  There are things wrong with me from back then that I don't even talk about.  I haven't healed.  And I'm not sure I've forgiven either.  Lately a lot of people I still talk to from back then keep telling me how much I've changed (in a good way).  It feels like saying, "Oh Claire you finally caught up with the "cooler" world.  I know this isn't how most people meant it, but here's the thing.  I left and I grew up.  My makeup changed (after many awkward experiments) to some semblance of nice looking.  I figured out how to do my hair in a way that I'm now known for.  I learned how to look guys in the eye when I talked to them, and then how to be friends with them.  I buy cuter clothes.  All this change is obvious.


But what concerns me is that I didn't change myself.  I just grew.  Yet everyone acts as though I'm a new person.  Well, maybe those people didn't know me from the beginning.  I don't have it all together.  But I'm not totally messed up either.


To clear up the misconceptions, the reason I don't gel with a lot of the more "sheltered" (so to speak) once home schooled culture is because I saw how judgmental and arrogant it once made me, and since then I've tried to be more open-minded.  Second, I don't hang out with a lot of guy friends to flirt.  I just really like them as people.  Third, I haven't really changed.  I still let myself be a victim too much.  I still feel stupid most days.  I'm not lazy or a liar.  And I really am a good friend


My point is, life gets complicated.  You think you've found the place in life where you can get away from all those bad memories, and just end up bottling them all inside.  You think you're settled, BOOM that goes away.  You think other people around you make you happy.  If you want to be happy you have to make your own happiness.  And trust God to help you see it.  Take risks, yes.  Make friends and don't be afraid to be a little awkward.  But most of all, learn to forgive.


I forgive everything.  Two years ago is unimportant history as far as my feelings go.  This year really hurt at times.  It still hurts, but I will get through it and move on.  And love those people who have stood by me.


People are going to judge, misunderstand, and mistreat you your whole life.  God made each and every person a certain way.  Don't be afraid to express that personality.  The most beautiful people in the world are the ones sure enough of who they are in themselves and through Christ, that they effortlessly express every quirk and gift.  This is hard, almost impossible at times.  But let's start now.  


Much love, 
Claire


"It's Time"
By Imagine Dragons
So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check
I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check
I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am



No comments:

Post a Comment