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Tuesday, June 19, 2012

"Giving the Academy a Raincheck"

Well here I am, back with my first post of the summer.  Sorry for the delay.  The rare posts you've seen have been from my iPhone which gets annoying, so finally I have a macbook!!!   Yay!  I have an air so it really is super light.


Well...tomorrow is the start of something new for me.  Traveling without my family, to the city of lights!  That's right!  Tomorrow I jump on a plane with all my choir buddies (especially LIZZIE AND FLOSSIE!!!) and head to Paris.  Freakin Paris!  As in France!  

Sorry...If you can't tell I'm kinda excited.  So now as I sit here waiting for tomorrow, listening to...dubstep, waiting for my hair to re-dye the turquoise, and waiting on dinner :0), I thought I would share a few updates.


Anyway, onto more serious subjects.  So my school kinda...died.  That is to say the high school part died.  Granted, it was small and not so unexpected but it has been a hard change to cope with.  I know for sure that last year was the best year of my life.  This year was, frankly, pretty crumby in some parts.  What I know I am grateful for is the friends who have stuck around through all my drama.  I have a lot more of you than I give credit to.  So many of the blessings in my life have been flowers, beautiful, but fleeting.  But I am truly hoping you all will turn out to be my life's long lasting diamonds.


There has been a lot I've had to say goodbye to lately.  Just the culture of having the GCA specific group to hang out with is gone.  I'm half grateful.  Half.  Naw make that 1/4 grateful.


Goodbye to the chances I had to make a new friend.  Goodbye to redeeming some reputation for not being, as a very dear friend has pointed out, a "victim."  Unfortunately I seem to have that mentality stuck in my head.  Goodbye to hoping this person would finally open up to me, this person wouldn't be angry with me, this friendship would grow stronger, and this friend would always get to hang out.  Well I guess goodbyes are just a part of life.


It has been painful to hide this all inside.  I have tried to talk to some friends and family but eventually I just sound like I'm whining.  The hard part was convinving my family to agree to online classed instead of a public or another private school.  I had to be all excited to prove I could handle something when in reality I'm not excited at all.  I am filled with dead at every passing day of summer.  But the other options were what I dreaded more.  I had this mentality of running away from the settings and people that hurt me.


Two years ago, I was invisible except with a few close friends.  I was the girl who was only comfortable following, literally, behind someone.  I was the "nerd" or the "sheltered homeschooler."  And more than any of that, I was judgmental.  Probably more so than I was judged.  That year hurt me a lot.  There are things wrong with me from back then that I don't even talk about.  I haven't healed.  And I'm not sure I've forgiven either.  Lately a lot of people I still talk to from back then keep telling me how much I've changed (in a good way).  It feels like saying, "Oh Claire you finally caught up with the "cooler" world.  I know this isn't how most people meant it, but here's the thing.  I left and I grew up.  My makeup changed (after many awkward experiments) to some semblance of nice looking.  I figured out how to do my hair in a way that I'm now known for.  I learned how to look guys in the eye when I talked to them, and then how to be friends with them.  I buy cuter clothes.  All this change is obvious.


But what concerns me is that I didn't change myself.  I just grew.  Yet everyone acts as though I'm a new person.  Well, maybe those people didn't know me from the beginning.  I don't have it all together.  But I'm not totally messed up either.


To clear up the misconceptions, the reason I don't gel with a lot of the more "sheltered" (so to speak) once home schooled culture is because I saw how judgmental and arrogant it once made me, and since then I've tried to be more open-minded.  Second, I don't hang out with a lot of guy friends to flirt.  I just really like them as people.  Third, I haven't really changed.  I still let myself be a victim too much.  I still feel stupid most days.  I'm not lazy or a liar.  And I really am a good friend


My point is, life gets complicated.  You think you've found the place in life where you can get away from all those bad memories, and just end up bottling them all inside.  You think you're settled, BOOM that goes away.  You think other people around you make you happy.  If you want to be happy you have to make your own happiness.  And trust God to help you see it.  Take risks, yes.  Make friends and don't be afraid to be a little awkward.  But most of all, learn to forgive.


I forgive everything.  Two years ago is unimportant history as far as my feelings go.  This year really hurt at times.  It still hurts, but I will get through it and move on.  And love those people who have stood by me.


People are going to judge, misunderstand, and mistreat you your whole life.  God made each and every person a certain way.  Don't be afraid to express that personality.  The most beautiful people in the world are the ones sure enough of who they are in themselves and through Christ, that they effortlessly express every quirk and gift.  This is hard, almost impossible at times.  But let's start now.  


Much love, 
Claire


"It's Time"
By Imagine Dragons
So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check
I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check
I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am



Sunday, February 19, 2012

Lessons

Hi everyone! So this post may have been a little bit more appropriate for Valentine's Day. Nevertheless I still felt it needed to be said. Valentine's Day dad came home with a big bouquet of pink roses and told all of his three girls we could each pick one to keep in our rooms. Of course with all the Valentine's Day demand sometimes roses aren't in the best condition but we still appreciated the gesture. I watched my sisters hunt through the bunch and finally chose my own. It was a flushing perfect beauty with its petals still folded peacefully. I took it up to my room where I put it in a jar on my bathroom counter so as to keep it away from my cat. After about a day the rose begin to open and the tips of it where little bit blackened. At first I did everything I could. for the rose. But after a while I began to consider trading it out for one of the others left in the Bouquet. It wasn't a big deal right? I could just take a new one and put the old one back. As the tips began to grow blacker than the outer petals began to melt I felt a strong desire to be done with this old wilting thing and start a new. Now you will make fun of me but I have always felt guilty for little inanimate objects. I still get home to thoughts about old dolls I had to throw away. If I get out a snack and don't feel like finishing it I often ask myself how is this snack would feel knowing that it's getting rejected? So maybe I'm just weird like that. Anyway after a while I started to feel sorry for the rose. I felt guilty for not accepting it the way it was after I was the one who chose it. Some of you probably see where I am going with this. So I stopped looking at the new roses in the bouquet. Sure my Ross isn't the prettiest! But I've pulled away those black petals and found the inside is just as soft and fresh and new as it all began. And even if by the time those petals open the whole rose is black and crumbled, I won't mind. I think that sometimes God puts little symbols into our life to try to remind us of what we need to be thinking about. There're so many things in my life and I just want to disappear. There're so many problems I wish had never shown themselves. if I am impatient with someone, if someone hurt me, if I don't know what I was thinking when I got myself into this, maybe they're my blackened rose. I have definitely seen this statement prove itself true up in the last few days. Now the rose is long dead. But when I didn't give up on it, yet I tended to it still, I found the rise grew healthy and fast. Yet there came a time when it had to go and I could no longer help my rose. Life is a lot like this. We need to stick by what we are given...remember everything/one is a gift. We care for these things and people and they grow. But what needs to be determined is if this blessing is a flower or a diamond. If it can last forever, or if it is fleeting. And if it is fleeting, we don't need to cry over it. Real blessings will matter forever. But with flowers, but not to crush and dry them before they die. It's just natural. As much more painful it is to lose a fleeting blessing it is than a dead flower...don't let pain imprison you of you did your job and treasured it while it lasted. <3

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Developments...

Hey guys! I'm sorry I've been flying under the radar for so long. Here's the latest:

December 23 I turned...older ;)

December 27 we moved to this huge new house I love! My room has its own level! And I have a recording room!

This January we took a trip to Colarado and Abby broke her arm Om the slopes.

This happened the day before she turned 10! Poor baby!

Other than that...not much. If you want to, prayers would be appreciated. I
Haven't been feeling too well and have had a very rough couple of days. Couldn't have made it through without my Lizzie! ily!!!

One more shout out to my angelic friend Louisa for being such a help with a dress Abby can wear for her party with her cast! Her party was postponed when she had a 3 day fever... :(((

That's everything for now! When school gets a bit better I'll have more for y'all!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

December!!!

Okay, so my friends are always asking me about my hair, even strangers.  For concerts, and every day I have countess ideas and expiriments.  I've considered getting a vlog on YouTube...but I'm not so crazy about that idea.  I don't have the ideal hair for this.  It's long and very fine, but it's also very easy to work with and thanks to my life-saver NuMe curling wand, curling is no trouble.  I am in love with my wand! 

So, I've decided all during the month of December to try and post a hair tutorial almost every day.  Not quite, since I'm busy a lot, but I do really love doing it.  And I've got a few stocked up so that not much of a problem if I can't film that day.

So, here's the first!  Enjoy!  It's raw and unedited so bere with me...

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Teenage Years and Love

Yeah, I'm writing it.  Every Christian girl I've known who blogs has talked about it....and it's my turn.  I'm mostly writing this in defence/exploration of my friend's thoughts because I myself and not given to romantic endevores.  Yet.  Mostly.  Sorta.  I mean, let's face it, I think about it a lot.  Not any more beyond that.  I wonder when I'm gonna get married and who, I listen to love songs, watch chick flicks and always cry, pray about my husband, and stuggle with the fact I've got many years of singleness infront of me. 

And yes, it's possable to do all this without having a face in mind.  I promise.

I had a great talk with Lizz, who's been more than a best friend lately.  I love her to death and she helps me so much.  Took over a page writing out a thank-you prayer mostly about her!  <3

Anyway, we talked about how girls have it hard now.  200 years ago or so, we could have been married.  Or it wouldn't be far off. 

You see, in the 1940s-50s, there came an invention, or not really invention as much as emphasis, of teenage years as having its own culture.  These years are characterized by temporary romance, and more than that, the pursuit of ME! 

Having "Follow your dream!" "Believe in yourself!" screamed in your ears 50 times an hour is gonna influence you.  But seriously, girls mostly are involved in the "guy crazy" stage because we're wired to be capable of true love and desire to be free of parents and be married now.  People call us rebellious, and yeah, we are.  And we need to control it.  But it makes a little more sense now.  The ME! takes the place.  We gals don't feel like our fam "understands" us anymore!  I know, I'm stereotypicalizing here, but I get it.  We want someone to ourselves.  Galfriends aren't enough either sometimes.  Girls can be jerks.  Other words come to mind.  We want to be loved without having to change or try.  But when that doesn't work (and you are soooo lucky if it does!) we become obbsessed with ourselves.  I understand me.  I want others to like me.  Effort and time come into play and artificial becomes a chapel. 

This attitude says, these years are for YOU!  Eat, drink, and be merry!  Not really, but it does say, work, get your dream job, you are more important that getting married!  Career demands take over our created ability to be homemakers.  It sounds so rustic.  I don't love the idea of doing dishes, cooking, cleaning...all day when I've been working all these years and am on my way to the Met Opera stage!  But it's most likely gonna happen.  It's what I'm wired for. 

Anyway I got way off track, so here's the tough thing, how do I control the desire for being in love if I'm created like that?

1.  If you have a not a ton younger than you, tell her how you feel.  My sister's a bit younger and she is my best friend and a HUGE supporter!  She knows me better than anyone and she would never betray me.

2. Pray!  Most important.  I hate to be that girl who goes, "Oh go pray about it!"  But really, even if it is quick, it really helps.

3. Follow your goals.  Find something you can passionly work on, for a few years... :/

4. Find ONE very strong friend who adores you and who you can tell anything to.  If she isn't in your main social circle it's better.  Make sure she doesn't belittle your problems but also doesn't let you dwell on them.  (<3 u Lizz!)

5. Girls, don't go guy crazy, but keeping secrets from yourself can be very binding and with only your thoughts to know means you're gonna think about it, a lot.  Giggling with a galfriend lightens the whole thing and keeps those head-over-heals feeling at bay.  Trust me, people are gonna disagree with this but girls are social creatures.

6. Embrace this time of being single.  As soon as someone figures this out, let me know.  ;)

Just some musing.  Hope this helped. 

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Nice Actions Don't Fix Mean People

It's a lesson I've been learning lately, and prepare for a Claire sermon because every once in a while I've gotta vent.

If someone is mean to a friend behind their back, I'm often to scared to confront the person thinking "It's not hurting anyone if they don't know..."  But here's the thing, people who've done this.  You know who you are.  If you are mean to my friends behind their back by saying so to ME, guess who you've hurting????  ME!!!  I'm HURT and I'm OFFENDED!!!  It's not an attack on you, it's just the way I'm gonna feel because--NEWS FLASH!--I happen to be fiercly loyal to my friends.  Yes, something I am very proud of and would never want to change.  I'm loyal to my friends even when I see flaws in them, when they drive me batty, when they make me want to scream, or when they push me around.  Guess what?  I'm not in a friendship strictly for my benefit.  Maybe that's the mindset that makes devorce so common, just saying.  I mean think about it.  God called us to fellowship, yes, because we need it, but also because THEY need it.  It's not about me...or you!  It works both ways.  Otherwise God wouldn't have given us all different personalities.  Sometimes you need people like you, and sometimes it's best to have people to ballance you out.  So my best friends aren't going to ALWAYS push me around but sometimes they aren't perfect and I've found that when they do, something is behind it.  All my friends have issues and you don't have to like them, but I do.  So if you are going to be my friend then take that into consideration!  Thoughts just don't sit around, they're like seeds and they grow if you're not strong enough to kill the bad ones.  Recently someone said something really bad about a friend of mine, and I've noticed that I'm bugged by it now.  She isn't perfect and has some issues to work out.  And lately, they've hurt and bugged me too, but when it gets to a place where I'm willing to stand back and not say anything in her defence, well, that's the danger sign.  The same thing happened this summer with a different friend and I've contributed to a ruined reputation and I'm sorry.  People have tried to bring me down enough that I know how hard it hurts.

I've had a mindset lately that the most important thing is to protect myself from rumors and to get what I want out of life.  I've made life about a few things that really don't matter in the longrun.  And as normal as they are, that's not an excuse for ignoring what's real.  As much as I hate the rumors I've heard about me lately, and don't be surprised I know, they are just me.  I know what you say about the people at school [insert name here] and I know that you ignore me and judge me sometimes [insert other name here] but the fact is I just want to be friends and quit this immature drama!  Yes, I'm going on and on talking to people who may never see this...and I'm okay with that.

To my real friends, you know who you are, I love each and every one of you!  Thanks!  <3

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Just a Little Tribute to my School and Class...heheh!

You know you go to Grace Covenant Academy when:
1.       You type “Preflamma” and spell check doesn’t catch it because you’ve added it to the dictionary.
2.       You’ve turned one of the greatest Greek tragedies into a comedy. 
3.       Your English teacher must make a Star Trek and a George Washington reference in every class.
4.       The girls in the class frequently protest the segregation of guys and girls.
5.       There’s a YouTube reference in every class (Nope!  Chuck Testa.)
6.       You spend half the school week at home.
7.       Corum Deo Academy is viewed as a weight-loss program.
8.       Class movie nights are begged for.
9.       You live most of your life in social media and instant messaging on the at home days.
10.   You watch car crash videos and Star Wars undeleted bloopers on YouTube in math class.
11.   People don’t know when a joke is over.
12.   The principle is a teacher.
13.   Going to the mall to ask people what they believe is a class assignment.
14.   You can sing “Babylon” to Justin Bieber’s “Baby” and everyone gets it.
15.   Some people have homecoming queen, we have medieval feast queen.
16.   People openly admit to being semi-insane unashamedly. 
17.   Sir “Gaywin” is a night of King Arthur.
18.   Beowulf is our Superman.
19.   A student has read Dante’s “Inferno” 3 times willingly.
20.   Your science teacher greets you wearing plastic bloodshot eyeballs. 
21.   We know where Kazakhstan is.
22.   For fun on the weekends we go see “Macbeth” and understand it to.
23.   We frequently ask for a status report on how much the middle-schoolers drive the teacher mad.
24.   The timeline that the 7-8th grade set up has Alexander the great after the fall of Rome.
25.   Everyone in the class is a spy.


I LOVE MY SCHOOL!!!